Heartfelt Sympathy: What to Write Inside a Condolence Card

Oct 08, 2024

Written by Alison Guzman

Heartfelt Sympathy: What to Write Inside a Condolence Card

Writing a sympathy card can feel a little overwhelming—so much so that sometimes the gesture is skipped entirely. But the act of reaching out and acknowledging someone’s grief can mean more than you realize.

My sister died unexpectedly in 2020 and I can still remember some of the most comforting messages I received, and sadly, the people who never reached out at all.

Whether you’re trying to comfort a close friend or an acquaintance, the key is to be heartfelt and thoughtful. There’s no perfect formula for what to write in a condolence card, but below are some good examples tailored to different relationships and situations.

If you knew the person who died

“I’m heartbroken for you and your family. This is such a loss for the universe. I loved [name] so much, and I’ll always hold on to the memories of [specific memory]. Please know I’m here for you—whether it’s to cry, talk, or just sit together in silence.”
“I’ll always remember [name] for their [kindness/humor/strength]. They [share a specific memory or way they made you feel]. I’m so grateful I had the chance to know them and will carry them in my heart.”
“[Name] meant so much to all of us, but I can’t imagine how hard this is for you. I’m here for you and I’ll be thinking of you every day.”

If you’re close to the recipient, but didn’t know their loved one

“Though I didn’t have the privilege of knowing [name], I’ve heard so many wonderful things about them. I’m sending all my love and strength your way during this incredibly difficult time.”
“I may not have known [name] personally, but I know how deeply you loved them. I hope the memories you shared bring you some comfort.”

One of the most thoughtful cards I received after my sister Amanda died was from a friend who had never met Amanda but took the time to look at her social media posts, read her obituary, and listen to her music (she was a DJ). The words this friend wrote just felt like she really took the time to understand my loss.

Here is what she wrote on the back of a notecard that said “semper liber” which is Latin for “always free.”

“Hi Ali,

It’s not your traditional sympathy card, but I spent time reading about Amanda, watching her videos, hearing her music, seeing how many lives she touched—and I truly envy her life!! She seemed so chill, fun, full of life, and most importantly… free. Like she always knew what she wanted and didn’t let anyone else make those important decisions for her. I don’t think her soul could ever be contained, so she’ll always be free. I can’t imagine a better way to live. I hope you got your blanket, and maybe got time to curl up and write or cry or laugh about memories; whatever you feel at the moment. Thinking of you and sending love every day!

Love, Heather.”

If you don’t know the recipient well, but want to offer support

“I’m thinking of you and sending my deepest condolences for your loss. Please remember that you’re not alone and I hope you find comfort in the love of those around you.”
“There are no words that can make your loss easier, but I want you to know I’m thinking of you and sending you love and strength.”
“I’m deeply sorry for your loss. Even though we haven’t known each other for long, please know I’m thinking of you and sending my heartfelt condolences.”

What not to say or write in a sympathy card

There is no perfect way to offer your condolences, but there are some words and phrases I would highly recommend avoiding.

“Everything happens for a reason.”

This phrase can imply that there is a justification for the loss, which can be particularly painful for someone who is grieving.
“They’re in a better place.”

While this may be meant to provide comfort, it can come off as dismissive of the pain felt in the present moment… and not everyone is religious or spiritual.
“God needed another angel.”

Like the sentiment above, these words can be painful for someone who isn’t religious or is struggling with their loss.
“Stay strong.”

This sentiment can unintentionally place pressure on the bereaved to hide their emotions rather than allowing them to grieve openly.
“I know how you feel.”

Grief is an intensely personal experience, and saying this may minimize their unique pain. It’s better to acknowledge that you can’t fully understand what they’re feeling.
“Let me know if you need anything.”

While it’s kind to offer help, this phrase can feel overwhelming to someone in grief who may not know what they need. Instead, give a specific gift or assistance.
“Time heals all wounds.”

While time can help ease the pain, suggesting that grief will disappear one day is not true at all (speaking from experience).

In times of grief, a handwritten card can offer the comfort and love someone may desperately need. Unlike a text or email, a card with your carefully chosen words serves as a physical reminder that they are not alone in their sorrow.

If you or someone you know is really struggling with their grief, please help them seek counseling (I’m so glad I already had a therapist when my sister died). And for extra support, share my other blog post, 5 ways to connect to a lost loved one.